Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
In other news, I just burned my penis
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
