I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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