It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have tasted many bathrooms
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
