Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
