I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
