You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
