Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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