Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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