Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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