i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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