he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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