dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She said her name was "party"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
