so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
