Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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