I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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