you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
