my room smells like sperm. sweet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
