I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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