She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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