I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize