I haven't been this sober since birth.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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