i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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