Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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