uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
