I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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