We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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