hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
