I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
