Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
