o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
