Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
