And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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