My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
