she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize