Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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