I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I have aggressive nipples.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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