Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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