I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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