i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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