Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
