my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
