my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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