He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
