she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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