what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
