dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
