Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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