You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
