You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
