Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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