walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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