And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
