I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
