i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I love having hate sex.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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