I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
