i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
