Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
